Look I wrote something…for someone else!
So…I ran into Suge Knight a couple months ago. It started off innocently. I wanted to get a sweet potato cupcake. So I go to the place that sells sweet potato cupcakes and guess who’s the only other person in the freaking place? Suge Knight.
I immediately wanted to turn around and run for my life. But my ass really wanted that damn cupcake. (Yes they are good enough to risk your life!!!) So I played it cool. I walked up to the counter…and smiled at him.
He looked at me like this:
Negro just gave me a blank stare. But as my friend who also once ran into Suge Knight (at a 7-Eleven!!) and also had the nerve to smile at him pointed out, smiling “probably made it worse.”
Time Out: I told my mom that he just stared at me. Her response: “He was staring because he thought you were pretty.” Yes, my mother is sooo desperate for Grandkids that she even views Suge Knight as a possible sperm donor. Time In.
So I just got my cupcake and got my ass out of there.
However, in hindsight, which is 20-20 (especially after I got my LASIK surgery a few years ago), there were so many things I wanted to ask him. So, instead of actually asking him…I will just post it here.
So here are my questions for Suge:
Why does Dr. Dre look like the Incredible Hulk’s illegitimate black brother?
Do you think “Nuthin’ But A G Thang” Snoop Doggy Dog would pimp slap the sh*t out of “Beautiful, You’re My Only Girl” Let’s do a horrible family reality show having Snoop Dogg?
Why are you using a flip phone? You know that you can get a slide-out from Sprint free with a $50 rebate right?
Time Out: Yes, homeboy was on a flip phone. Time In.
Why is the phone to your ear? Don’t you have an ear-piece? You’re not driving right because I don’t want Oprah mad at you.
Did Tupac ever explain to you why the Underground never stopped for hoes?
Did you vote for Bristol Palin on Dancing With the Stars?
Am I the only one whose glad that Tupac finally stopped putting out music?
Is it truly no fun if the homies can’t have none?
And how come every time that song comes on at the club, it’s the chicks who know EVERY word?
Did you buy Nicki Minaj’s album?
Do you also wear red underwear?
Why did you let Snoop Dogg walk around in those Shirley Temple curls?
Did you really dangle Vanilla Ice out a window?
Did he cry like a little bitch when you did so?
Did you say you were sorry?
Did you kill Tupac?
Can you be my facebook friend?
Will you impregnate me so my mom would stop asking me when I’m gonna have babies?
So…I was doing my normal facebook stalking and I happened to come across a photo that some dude took of the waves in his hair. Now I’m sure that he worked HARD for those waves (Not everyone can be Ginuwine! Or Creole!!), however, was there really a need to take a close up? Especially since we all know that the pic was probably blurry as hell the first time he took it. So his ass probably spent a good 30 minutes taking pictures of his head just to get that one perfect pic.
If that wasn’t bad enough, I go to another page and guess what I see? A pic of some dude shirtless curled up in bed. Alone. What. The. Fudge???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Seriously, I wanted to send him a friend request just so he could tell me his thought process for taking the picture. “Hmm. I just woke up. What time is it? I really should get up and take a shower. Hey, look, I left my camera right next to my bed. Hmmm. You know what I should do? I should take a picture of my sexy ass in bed. And then I should put that ish on Facebook.”
Photos like that let me know that although he might have over 1000 Facebook friends, he has no friends in real life.
So…in honor of straight men everywhere, I have complied (with the help of Hazey and TMC) a list of photos that no straight man should EVER post on Facebook. (And if you are one of the 41 (!!!!) people who follow me on twitter and happened to be up late on a Sunday night, you’ve already seen this…but read it again.)
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Any photo that has even a PEEK of your hair down there.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You in a v-neck shirt low enough to show your man boobs.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You in that wifebeater with the super tight curved straps (see above.)
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You drinking alcoholic beverages from a straw.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You at the nail shop.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You cheesing it up in a picture with a male celebrity.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You shirtless with a bunch of other shirtless dudes and not a female in sight…
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Photos of your closet. I don’t care how many Jordans you have
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You doing the dougie with a bunch of other dudes.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You doing the dougie PERIOD.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Wearing a shirt where your nipples peek through the fabric.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You enjoying a banana.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: You and another dude where at least one of you is sweaty and shirtless.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Pictures of just your feet. Even if you’re on a beach. Especially if you’re on a beach.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Your nipple rings.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: A teenaged girl sitting on your lap.
Time Out: No one wants to see that ish except for Chris Hansen. Time In.
Photos No Straight Man Should Post On Facebook: Photos of your ice cream cone face tattoo.
Now that we have this all squared away, feel free to print it out, frame it and put it next to your computer.
So I was gonna write this AMAZING and HYSTERICAL intro to my Favorite Videos of 2010 but then I remembered:
I’m a lazy b*tch.
If I had a penny for everytime I watched these videos, well…. I would still be broke as hell (a penny ain’t worth ish nowadays.) I could probably buy like a lotto ticket though. (A regular one. Those scratchoffs are MAD expensive, WAY too much work and HELLA messy.) And I would OBVIOUSLY win and that would give me a lot of money. So in the end…I would still be rich.
Anyways, here are my favorite videos of 2010 (in no particular order):
Columbus Short’s Wears His Sunglasses At Night So He Can, So He Can…Fall Off Stage:
Why I love it:
Because he popped up like a pop-tart trying to act like that ish didn’t happen. But it did Columbus. It did.
God Proves That Watermelon Is — In Fact — Black People’s Food…:
Why I love it:
Because I’m black and it’s watermelon!!!!! I would watch a video of watermelon just sitting on a plate…
Time Out: One time my watermelon hating friend (yes she is black! I know…take her race card) bought me a yellow watermelon. It freaked me the hell out. Didn’t stop my ass from eating that ish though… My brother neither. We were chomping away like “This is some good ass watermelon!” And then we did a tap dance in black face. It was great!)
Some Random Wanna-be Rapper Tries To Get You Fired From Work:
Why I love it:
Because of the feeling the singer puts in the chorus. I truly felt that she did not want that dude to c*m on her. Also, I’m a SUCKER for any video that ends with a “To Be Continued.” What the hell is the next video gonna be called? “You ARE the Father (The Maury Song)”
Usher Proves He Does — In Fact — Sing Live:
Why I Love It:
I don’t care how non-tall Usher is, her ass KNEW there was no way in hell THAT leg was getting over THAT head. She gets points for making herself memorable though. They’ll run into each other when they’re both 80 and he’ll be having war flashbacks and ish…
Trey Songz’s Shows How To Save On Your Performing Budget:
Why I Love It:
Because he obviously had his female background singer auditions at Magic City strip club. (And we know she was like ‘Well since the other dude who sounds JUST like Trey is gonna have a solo, best believe I’m gonna get my shine too!”)
Time Out: I know this is technically from 2009 but let’s face it, Trey Songz wasn’t really relevant until 2010 so anything he did before that doesn’t count. Time In.
The World Meets The Most Amazing Man Since Jesus:
Why I Love It:
Because I hate rapists!
What I Learned This Year…
So, Basketball Wives is finally back! I missed them oh so much. So much as changed (Shaunie is a full cast member!) and so much hasn’t (Jennifer still can’t decide if she should leave Eric or not.) My thoughts (as tweeted) with a special appearance by AnaniMommy and Bro-nani.
Two minutes in and there’s already drinks in everyone’s hands! I missed you!
AnaniMommy: All these “used to plays.” No current ball players? Me: No, you are getting them confused with Football Wives
I wonder if Tami got her wig as part of the HairSisters black friday sale? I’m also loving that she seems to wear a cross in every scene. I wonder if Evelyn rips it off during their fight later on in the season??
Time Out: Tami’s infamous “it wasn’t not funny” scene from the Real World! Back when she had $70,000 and wasn’t on food stamps!
Evelyn: I’m gonna have a new man. A new baby. Anani-Mommy: How about a husband?
I suspect that Shaunie is gonna go from the woman with the annoying voice overs to the woman with the annoying laugh.
I’m mad they keep referring to the “circle,” when they all damn well know they mean “tv show.”
Jen: Kenny lived two doors down from me. Tami: So you saw the mistress? Jen: Err. Um, it’s official. I LOVE TAMI!
I love how Evelyn went from talking about how she’ll tell you about yourself to your face to (couple scenes later) talking about Tami behind her back. Though, Tami’s weave?wig is a mess though.
Tami just asked Evelyn if her boobs were real. I wonder if she asked Jen about those 1989 contacts?
Okay, Im gonna need Jen to have a new storyline this year…I’m over the “Will she stay or not,” with her and her hubby
Jen: We haven’t been communicating well. Anani-Mommy: That’s gonna help. Putting it on television.
So my dad and bro used to know Eric Williams. Bro-nani: He told me the key to picking up women was not having skid marks… Me: Yet Jen still won’t let him spread her hips.
Bro-nani: I want to see the Basketball Wives with Siovaughn Wade…
Umm, who made the decision to have the Eva Longoria commercial during the #basketballwives break??
Okay, we need a drinking game for every time someone says “circle.”
My mom just asked me to google “Who did Evelyn has sex with in Vegas?” Basketball Wives, bringing families together!
Why do I feel like they only way they got Kenny Anderson there was to be like ‘You are gonna be on TV!”
I haven’t seen such an awkward deadbeat dad family reunion since Kci and JoJo’s show. Tami’s kids are cute though.
Geez, it was easier to be a deadbeat dad pre-Facebook & twitter. All you had to lie about was not having the phone number. Nowadays you have to be like ‘Well I looked for you on twitter but your page was private.
Circle! Everyone take a drink!! (Again, Royce is the voice of reason!!!)
Eve: It’s not like I’m trying to be a bitch to her for nothing. Me: Yeah, you’re being a bitch to her for ratings!
Um, they need to have a “Reality TV Acting Awards” so Suzie can win Best Actress. She is literally sitting against a TREE while some hella melodramatic music plays.
Aww snap! Gloria! Anani-Mommy: Oh no! I thought this b*tch wasn’t gonna be on the show anymore…
The only reason that Tami is so eager to fight in those previews is cause she replaced that horrid wig with a (slightly less horrid) weave
I guess #basketballwives are gonna find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being real…
Have you ever listened to a “love” song and been like “Hold up! What the hell is he talking about?” You actually (finally) take a moment to listen to the lyrics and realize that they are a bit suspect.
Is he trying to spend life with me or life in prison? Is he trying to love me or rape me?
Here are five songs that get the Anani Side Eye:
Usher “Hey Daddy (Daddy’s Home)”
What It’s Allegedly About: A hard working man excited to come home to his lady and give her some good loving.
I really wanna be all up in your head
Cause what i got you gonna wanna get some. yeah
but girl that’s only if you aint scared
And I won’t knock or ring no bells
You just float that bottom up in the air
Anani says: If some dude just walked in my house without knocking talking some crap about being scared, I would not be saying “Daddy’s home.” I would be blowing my rape whistle screaming “Get the hell out you pervert!”
Hi-Five “She’s Playing Hard to Get”
What It’s Allegedly About: A girl who is too shy to tell her crush she likes him (she liiiiiikes him!)
I can feel her vibe for me
Even though she hasn’t said a word
I bet she’s glad I’m readin’ her mind
Cuz there’s so much (cuz there’s so much) she wants to say
But she doesn’t have the nerve
And all that she doesn’t say
Oh I’m sure
I see it in her eyes
You don’t have to say a word (playin’ hard)
But I’ll still know I’ll still know how deep the feelings are you have for me
Your smile and the look in your eyes
Says more than any words you could ever say
Anani Says: This sounds less like a song and more like the testimony of some crazy dude who decides to defend himself at his stalking trial.
Mint Condition “Breakin’ My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)”
What It’s Allegedly About: A woman afraid to open her heart to love.
You keep telling me
That your time is always taken
But I keep seeing you out alone
You can’t disguise
All the pounding of your heart yeah
I see your eyes
And you can’t hide
Anani Says: If you can hear my heart pounding, it’s because I’m scared of your ass always following me around. Someone should do a remix called “Quit violating my restraining order.”
Jordan Knight “Give It To You”
What’s It’s Allegedly About: A guy offering himself to a woman sexually.
It’s creepin around in my head
Me holding you down in my bed
I can’t wait to give you some
I’m convinced you need it
Anani Says: By bed, do you mean the hole in your basement while you’re saying “It puts the lotion in the basket.”
Time Out: Real talk. Silence of the Lambs is the reason I will never help anyone carry anything anywhere. Sweet Old Lady: Can you help me put this couch in my van? Me (in my Dave Chappelle Rick James voice): F*ck your couch! Time In
Robin Thicke “When I Get You Alone”
What It’s About: A dude offering himself up to a woman sexually. (Time Out: I’m sensing a pattern here…)
All these intrusions just take us too long
(Ooooh) And I want you so bad..
Because you walk city,
Because you talk city,
‘Cause you make me sick
And I’m not leavin’, till you’re leavin’
Anani Says: It’s not even the lyrics as much as his tone. You know that if you’re like “No thanks, I’m good,” he’s the dude that’s like “Well screw you bitch. You ain’t that hot anyway!” He’s that dude that you give him your number just so he’ll go the hell away. Then you don’t answer when he calls.
Since I’m the world’s laziest bloggers, here’s something to tide you over.
I haven’t done a smart (ass) commentary on a music video in a minute. So let’s all thank Nicki Minaj and that HORRIBLE ass lace front for making me come out of retirement.
Oh lawd. She is trying to act. And by act, I mean say “Seriously” over and over.
Okay, he is worse than her. But at least he can use the “English isn’t my first language” excuse.
They really sound like one of those animated, robot voiced skits you make with Xtranormal.
What is worse than Nicki Minaj acting? Nicki Minaj singing. I’m gonna put her on EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar Tony!) watch right now! Move over Whoopi, you are about to have some company.
Apparently, he really loves her. I know this because he has a Nicky tat with some lips on his neck!
Wow. Two minutes in and there has not been a wig change. The one time I actually WANT one…
This dude is a LOT more attractive when he’s not trying to say horrible dialogue opposite Nicki Minaj.
What is the point of the fogged up mirror scenes? (She obviously did NOT just get out the shower in full ass makeup complete with false eyelashes.) Oh that’s right. It’s art! Stupid Anani.
When she says “You see right thru me,” does that include thru the lace-front? If so, can he tell me what her real hair actually looks like?
Oooh, hot French guy is wet! Thanks Nicki. That almost makes up for the last three minutes…
Call me Captain Obvious (aka Miss Hella Late) but Nicki Minaj’s ass is HUGE! How do YOU do that ish, Nick? Injections? Implants?? Old school butt pads?
Well that was…what it was.
So, the reality tv gods took pity on our souls and did a sneak peak of Vh-1′s new show “Football Wives.”
Unlike some shows (ahem, Basketball Wives), this show actually features wives!!!!! But, as my girl Hazey pointed out, the iffy part is the football. Only three of the hubbies actually play in the NFL (courtesy of the Dallas Cowboys.) The rest are either retired or in something called the UFL.
Anyway, enough the with title dissection…let’s get started.
First, we meet Chanita, who is married to someone named George Foster as she drives up with a U-Haul to move into her new place. I like her! If only because her lace front looks like she found it in Beyonce’s garbage.
She knew her husband was a football player when she met him because “You’re 6’6, 320 and you black.” LMAO.
Next up we meet the blonde Amanda Davis, who is giving Mariah a run for her money in terms of bling and butterflies. She’s married to Leonard Davis, who plays for the Cowboys.
I wonder if Amanda adopted that black-cent after she married the black guy or if was one of the reasons why he was attracted to her in the first place?
They’re actually talking…football. Sigh.
Okay, Chanita just bent down to pick up some change that was on Amanda’s floor. (It was a LOT of change.) I have a feeling their kids play with actual money. Must be nice.
Time Out: One time my cousin and I were at a club and the DJ decided to “make it rain” by throwing dollar bills into the crowd. We sure did pick them up and use it to get breakfast! Time In.
Amanda goes to visit some other (actual) players’ wives…
Um, is this heffa driving a semi-truck?
Among them is Brittany who is “just” a girlfriend to the Dallas kicker. She met her man while working at Hooters. I thought only baseball players treated Hooters like their personal match.com. I was wrong.
Apparently kickers don’t get huge signing bonuses… the white brick walls gave that away though. The walls belong to Eric, whose hubby is the punter whose name I already forgot. I will just call him Aussie.
They talk about if the guys are superstitious about doing the deed before a game. I love that the black guy’s wife is like “No,” whereas the white guys’ chicks were on a sex ration. Maybe if the kickers did it more they would get bigger bonuses? Just a thought.
After that scintillating discussion, Amanda hops back in her SEMI and takes a call from Milani, who is married to former baller Rocket Ishmail. She has been on th Christian joy bus (not to be confused with the Amanda Semi) for a long time.
Milani wants to invite Pilar to Bible Study at Amanda’s house. Pilar is, of course, Pilar Sanders, wife of Deion “Must Be The Money” Sanders.
Yes, Pilar is a bit of a reality tv whore. However, to me, she will always be “Doin It” well “raised out in Brooklyn!”
For those too lazy to hit play:
(I’m not sure why he has a hard-hat on…but hey, it was the 90s!)
She looked…different. I will leave it at that.
Time Out: So…LL Cool J came to my college for homecoming one year and performed in our gymnasium. I have a feeling that was the low point of his career. Time in.
I love how Milani acts all offended that Pilar would rather go to a movie premiere instead of Bible Study…until Pilar invites her.
While at Bible Study we meet our final wife, Dawn, who is a black woman married to a white guy (Ryan.) You don’t see that on tv a lot at all. Go Dawn!
Okay, she just made a joke about how her daughter playing is too much like pole dancing. I think I might love her. (Not to mention her autistic son and her broke-ish husband. She is gonna definitely gonna be the show’s underdog.)
Why does Milani’s husband sound like he’s auditioning for a radio voice over job?
Aww, I feel bad for George trying to sound like he’s excited to be playing in the UFL! It’s okay George.
Three hour Bible Study? I’m with Pilar. She sneaks out before it’s over.
Dear Milani, in the future, it would be WAY easier to sneak out of somewhere if you don’t wear a bright a$$ Big Bird yellow jacket. Sincerely, Anani.
The other wives are none-too-pleased that Pilar and Milani bounced. If only Pilar had invited them to the premiere…
They get together (apparently on a sunday when they should be at CHURCH!) to discuss it. And by discuss, I mean Pilar and Chanita argue while everyone else sits there quietly.
I’m sorry but I can’t take Pilar seriously with that sweep bang and colored contact combo. She looks like a Barbie…which I think might be the point but still…
She’s also the only one who has stage-ready make-up on in every scene. The other wives look a bit more normal in the non-interview scenes.
Umm, who is the chick that Vh-1 keeps editing out of the scene? You can see her hair. I hope we don’t have another poor Erikka from Basketball Wives situation here where they filmed someone and then decide to pretend she never existed.
Dawn cuts out early. Pilar proceeds to mock Chanita right to her face. Shots. Fired.
Chanita and Pilar agree to disagree…although not in such polite words.
And we end this episode!
You know what it was missing? Some patented Shaunie O’Neal monotonous voice over… but otherwise, I am in!
Can’t wait for next week.
All right, so as anyone with a Facebook account and at least one black female friend can tell you, there has been a rash of stereotypical black relationship animated vids going around (Black Marriage Negotiations.) And, of course, there’s more “Black women are wrong” than “Black men are wrong” ones out there. So I decided to even the playing field…
Lady and Gentleman (b/c we all know I only have two readers!), I present to you a very stereotypical look at your average black woman encountering a black man at the club…